Steve has been assaulting our funny bones with his dry wit and humour on a regular basis, and it seemed only fair to inflict his brow-raising musings upon the rest of you. Enjoy!
A policeman spots a drunk searching for his keys under a lamp post and offers to help. After a few fruitless minutes, the officer asks the man where, exactly, he dropped his keys.
‘‘The tunnel over there,’’ the man says.
‘‘Then why look under the lamp post?’’ the officer asks.
‘‘Because the light is better here,’’ replies the man.
I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it also tells me why I wanted to go there.
They say every glass of beer you drink shortens your life by two minutes.
I've done the math. Seems I died in 1537.
Bob Left Work One Friday Evening.
But It Was Payday, So Instead Of Going Home, He Stayed Out The Entire Weekend Partying With His Mates And Spending His Entire Wages.
When He Finally Appeared At Home On Sunday Night, He Was Confronted By His Angry Wife And Was Barraged For Nearly Two Hours With A Tirade Befitting His Actions. Finally His Wife Stopped And Said To Him, “How Would You Like It If You Didn’t See Me For Two Or Three Days?”
He Replied, “That Would Be Fine With Me.”
Monday Went By And He Didn’t See His Wife.
Tuesday And Wednesday Came And Went With The Same Results.
But On Thursday, The Swelling Went Down Just Enough Where He Could See Her A Little Out Of The Corner Of His Left Eye.
It's a five-minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering!
My mate built himself a motorbike.
It's got a wooden frame, wooden engine, wooden wheels, and a wooden gas tank.
Did he ride it? No, it wooden start!
People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point.
The glass is refillable.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
I said, “Not at all.”
He said, “KISS?”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel.”
A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “What’s wrong, pal? You look down.”
The guy sighs and says, “I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn’t talk to me for a whole month.”
The bartender says, “Gee, that’s too bad. When does that start?”
“Start? Today’s the last day.”
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
Four brothers gathered together to discuss the 95th birthday gifts they were each able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mum."
The second said, "And I had a large theatre built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mum loved reading the Bible, but she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. Well, I bought her a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers over 8 years to teach him. Mum only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it. I had to pledge $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the birthday celebration their mother sent out her thank you notes.
To her first son. “The house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
Thanks anyway."
To her second son. “I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks anyway."
To her third son. “You gave me an impressive theatre that can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
And to her fourth son. “You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mum”.
Son: “So Dad, how does it feel to have the world’s best son?
Dad: “I don’t know, you’d have to ask your grandfather!”
My wife of 60 years told me, “Let’s go upstairs and make love.”
I just sighed and said, “Choose one, I can’t do both.”
😅😅
When I got home, my wife was gone. She’d left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”
I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine.
My elderly aunts would always tease me at weddings,
“Well, do you think you’ll be next?”
We settled this quickly once I started saying the same to them at funerals.
Dentist: "You need a crown."
Patient: "Finally! someone who appreciates me."
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.
When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
One Sunday before a church service, a priest notices a man he has not seen in years sitting in a pew.
The priest approaches and says, "Wow! I can't remember the last time I saw you here! What brings you here today?"
The man replies, "Good morning, Father! Well you see, ten years ago I lost my hat and I have come back to get it !"
The priest replies, "Ten years? What makes you think it would be here after all that time?"
"Good question Father," replies the man. "It's not exactly my hat, but I know that Solomon comes here every Sunday and he wears the same hat. So I figured that when he takes it off to go into confession, I'll just nip on over and take it for myself!"
The priest is a bit disappointed, but leaves the man to his devices.
The service goes on as normal, and afterwards the priest notices that the man is still sitting there with no hat.
"Well," says the priest. "Looks like you changed your mind! I'm glad!"
The man replies, "Oh yes! I was going to take Solomon's hat, but I was listening to your sermon this morning and it really resonated with me, especially the part about the Ten Commandments!"
With a bit of smugness, the priest says, "Ah, so you must have liked the part about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'?"
"Not quite," says the man. "It was actually the one about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' … I remembered where I left my hat!"
How does NASA organise a party?
They Planet!
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Some mornings I wake up cranky...
Other mornings I let her sleep
The owner of a pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
So, I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound…
Turns out she was just vacuuming.
I had a problem with my boiled egg this morning.
I’ve cracked it now though.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step….I think I’m being stalked.
“Laughter connects people”