Armidale Men's Shed

Peter asked his granddaughter to pass him the newspaper.

“Oh, come on, Grandpa,” she said. “Nobody reads print anymore. Here, just use my laptop.”

He shrugged.

The fly on the workbench never saw it coming.

A man and his wife had a shed in their backyard. The neighbor asked which of them built it and they both replied that they had built it, leading to a massive argument.

It was a real He-Shed She-Shed situation.

MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Dear Help Line,
I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up, and she goes out at night a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
So last night about midnight I hid in the shed. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her underwear out of her purse and put them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the table saw, that I noticed a hairline crack in the motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

“I just got new hearing aids,” Fred boasted. “they’re absolutely fabulous. I can even hear the plane shaving the wood.”

“That’s wonderful,” said Bill. “What brand are they?”

“About four o’clock.”

An apprentice carpenter approached a hardware store assistant.

“1 kilo of nails, please,” he said timidly.

“How long do you want them?”

“Well, I think we’ll need to keep them…”

A man is sitting on a park bench watching 2 council workers.

The first one digs a hole, then they both lean on their shovels and look at it for a minute or two. Then the second one fills the hole in and they move on a few metres and repeat the process.

After he has watched them do this a few times, the man goes up and asks them what they are doing.

The workers reply "there's normally 3 of us, but the guy who puts the trees in the hole called in sick."

A man sees an intruder breaking into his shed and calls the police. They say they don't have anyone available right now, they'll be there as soon as they can but it may be two hours. The man hangs up.

A few minutes later he calls again and tells them there’s no rush now. He's pulled out his rifle and shot the intruder, so he's not going anywhere. Within minutes the place is swarming with police, helicopters, cars, dogs and a swat team. They find the intruder breaking into the shed and arrest him.

The police go to the man, "I thought you said you shot him!"
The man responds "I thought you said you had no one available"

When she visited the woodworker’s shop, his wife was shocked at the state of the men’s bathroom. She went straight down to the hardware store and bought bleach and a toilet brush.

A month later she stopped by again to check on progress, but nothing had changed.

“You’re not using the bleach and toilet brush!”

“Oh, Honey,” he replied, “I tried them, but the paper is so much softer.”

The Ph.D. candidate needed a part-time job to pay for books, so applied at a local wood shop. On his first day, the boss handed him a broom and asked him to sweep the floor in the tool room.

“Excuse me?” the scholar said. “I have two Masters degrees and four books in print and you’re asking me to sweep the floor?”

“Sorry, son,” the boss said. “I should have been more thoughtful. So, you hold the broom here and move it like this…”

“Gimme a beer!” a gorilla grumped to the barman.

“Oh my!” said the barman. “You can talk!”

“Well of course I can. And I have plenty to say. Dang jobsite just fired me, and we were only halfway through the trim.”

“You’re a finish carpenter?”

“Yes, I am.”

“So, what are you going to do now? I hear Barnum & Bailey are coming to town. I bet they’d love to give a job to a talking gorilla.”

The gorilla swirled his beer, and thought for a minute.

“But don’t they operate in a huge tent?”

“Yup, they sure do.”

The gorilla scratched his head. “So, what makes you think that they’d need a finish carpenter?”