What are your
New Year’s Resolutions for 2024?
Give up blaming the dog for every strange smell in the house, especially when I know it came from me.
Get my next prostate exam without feeling obligated to make awkward small talk.
Stop telling the same jokes while meeting up with my friends. Or just make new friends.
Stop correcting people’s terrible spelling and focus more on their horrific grammar.
Spend less than $2000 on coffee this year.
Claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes.
Switch my username to ‘password’ and my password to ‘username’ to make it harder for hackers to figure out.
Live my best life and only buy pants with no buttons or zippers.
The police arrested an iPhone and a firework
on New Year’s Eve.
One was charged and the other was let off.
Whatever you do, don’t start pooping
on December 31st at 11:59pm.
The last thing you want is
the same sh*t, different year!
I named my dog ‘Happy New Year.’
When I call him in every night, the neighbours think I’ve lost my mind.
On New Year’s Eve, the owner of the local pub stood up and said, at the stroke of midnight, every husband should be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
A drunk wakes up in jail on New Year’s Eve and asks the first police officer he sees, “Why am I here?”
The cop replies, “For drinking.”
“Great!” slurs the man. “When do we start?”
Did you hear that gyms get really busy around the new year
as people make their resolutions?
So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd.
““Celebrate endings—for they precede new beginnings.””
