Courtesy of John G
Three pieces of string go into a bar.
The first piece of string says, “I’ll get the first round,” and approaches the bar.
The barman looks at him and says, “We don't serve string in here...get out.”
The second piece of string says, “You must have offended him, let me try.”
Same answer. “We don't serve string...get out.”
The third piece of string messes up his hair, makes himself look dishevelled and approaches the bar.
The barman looks him up and down and asks, “Are you a piece of string?”
The string replies, “No, I’m afraid not!”
An arrogant genius makes a bet with a fool.
The genius says, "Every question I ask you that you don't know the answer to, you have to give me $5.
And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours, I will give you $5,000."
The fool says, "Okay."
The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?"
The fool doesn't know and hands over the $5.
The fool then says, "Now my turn, what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"
The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. He then says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"
The fool hands over $5.
A male student at a management school came up to a girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled and winked at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the guy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback!”
A woman asks a carpenter to fix the wardrobe in her house, because when the train is passing by the house, the wardrobe shakes and makes noise.
When the carpenter arrives at the house he tells the woman,
"I'll go inside the wardrobe and close the door, and when the train passes by I'll check which part of the wardrobe has this problem."
A few minutes later the woman's husband comes home and opens the wardrobe. He sees the carpenter and angrily asks him, "What are you doing here?"
The carpenter says, "Would you believe me if I say I'm waiting for a train?"
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE DON’T USUALLY COMPLIMENT ME ON MY DRIVING, SO I WAS VERY PLEASED THIS MORNING WHEN I SAW A NOTE ON MY CAR THAT SAID, “PARKING FINE.” THAT WAS VERY NICE OF THEM!
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him,
“How long have you been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove box.”
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.
“Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. Happy with the result, she feels great!
The day she’s discharged. She exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
“Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love
of my life…”
”Sir – I’m sorry, this is a brewery!”
”Oh, I know…”