Lady (to her doctor): "What l am really worried about is my height, not my weight."
Doctor: "How come?"
Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."
As a brain-wave technologist, I often ask post-operative patients to smile to make sure their facial nerves are intact. Although it always struck me as odd to be expecting them to smile right after a brain surgery, so a colleague suggested I ask patients to show me their teeth.
Armed with this new phrase, I said to my next patient, “Mr. Smith, show me your teeth.”
He shook his head. “The nurse has them.”
Grandma: "Oh, what nice new boots! Where did you get them?"
Granddaughter: "At the store."
Grandma: "Which one?"
Granddaughter: "Both of them."
A man enters the kitchen, opens the box of sugar, looks inside and closes it.
He comes back an hour later and does it again, then again another hour later. Why?
Because the doctor told him to check his sugar levels regularly.
In a psychiatrist's waiting room, two patients are having a conversation.
One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so my doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
"Doctor, the problem is, being unfit runs in our family."
"No, the problem is no one runs in your family!"
TWO MUFFINS ARE SITTING IN THE OVEN.
ONE SAYS, “WOW, IT’S HOT IN HERE.”
THE OTHER ONE SAYS, “HOLY SH*T! A TALKING MUFFIN!”
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE WOODWORKER WHO DIED WHEN HE FELL INTO A VAT OF VARNISH?
IT WAS A TERRIBLE END, BUT A BEAUTIFUL FINISH.
Ironing board — a surf board that gave up on its dreams and went to work.
A stranded motorist knocked on the door of an inn named “George and the Dragon.”
“Could you spare a poor stranded motorist a bite to eat?” he asked the woman who answered the door.
“No!” she screamed, slamming the door.
A few seconds later he knocked again. The same woman answered the door.
“Could I please have a bite to eat?” he asked again.
“Get out, you good-for-nothing!” shouted the woman. “And don’t you ever come back!”
After a few minutes there's another knock at the door. The woman comes to the door.
“Pardon,” said the motorist, “but could I have a few words with George this time?”
TWO ANTENNAS MET ON A ROOF, FELL IN LOVE AND GOT MARRIED. THEIR WEDDING CEREMONY WASN'T FANCY.
HOWEVER, THE RECEPTION WAS EXCELLENT.
Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident.
"She even called me every dirty name in the book!" I said.
Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story.
One said to the other, "There's a book?"