Two hitmen are walking together deep into a scary woodland.
The first hitman says, “I don’t mind admitting I feel a little afraid!”
The second hitman replies,” How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!”
A woodworker called his brother-in-law, who was always borrowing something.
“Is it okay if I bring my table saw over and leave it in your garage?” he asked.
“Well, of course. But why?”
“Oh, it’s a little lonely. It wants to be near the rest of my tools.”
The political candidate turned bowls on the lathe as a hobby. So, when he was visiting a retirement home, he stopped by the room of a retired woodworker to wheedle his vote.
After a few minutes talking shop, the retiree offered the candidate a bowl of peanuts.
He took a few and asked if the old man wanted any.
“Oh no, I don’t have any teeth left for those.”
“Hmmm. Then why do you keep a bowl of them here?”
“Oh, I still like to suck the chocolate off the outside…”
“Gimme a beer!” a gorilla grumped to the barman.
“Oh my!” said the barman. “You can talk!”
“Well of course I can. And I have plenty to say. Dang jobsite just fired me, and we were only halfway through the trim.”
“You’re a finish carpenter?”
“Yup.”
“So, what are you going to do now? I hear Barnum & Bailey are coming to town. I bet they’d love to give a job to a talking gorilla.”
The gorilla swirled his beer, and thought for a minute.
“Don’t they operate in a huge tent?”
“Yup, they sure do.”
“So, what makes you think,” said the gorilla, scratching his head, “that they’d need a finish carpenter?”
If you’re ever worried that a woodworker might be going insane, just ask him if he has too many clamps. If he says yes, get help immediately!
A fellow walked into the doctor’s office and approached the receptionist.
“I have shingles,” he said.
“Oh, you poor man,” she replied. “Take a seat and the nurse will be right with you.”
In a few minutes, the nurse appeared.
“You have shingles?” she asked. He nodded, and she took him straight into see the doc.
But after a brief exam, the medic is puzzled.
“And just where,” asks the doctor, “are these shingles?”
“On the truck,” he says. “Are you the guy who signs for them?”
The more perfect the joinery, the more likely it’s on the wrong end of the board.
A woodworker had lived well all his life and one day, as he was driving home, the clouds parted and God appeared.
“As a reward for a life lived well,” the Almighty said, “I would like to give you anything you wish.”
“I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii,” the woodworker said, “but I’m terrified of flying. Can you build me a highway from here to there?”
“Hmmm,” God pondered aloud, “that would be near impossible, even for me.”
“Well,” said the woodworker, “you could help me remember how to set up my dovetail jig, so that I can come back to it in six months and still be able to use it.”
Silence. Then…God replied, “Would that be two lanes or four?”
He had to turn off both the saw and the dust collector to hear her.
She stood at the shop door, shaking with anger…and she looked vaguely familiar.
“I’m your son’s teacher,” she said. “I asked the class what fat chickens give us, and the children said eggs.
Then I asked what a fat pig gives us and they said bacon.”
She paused to collect herself.
“But when I asked what a fat cow gives us,” she continued, “your son said ‘homework’!”
“I just got new hearing aids,” John boasted. “they’re absolutely fabulous. I can hear the plane shaving the wood.”
“That’s wonderful,” said Bill. “What brand are they?”
“About four o’clock.”
The furniture artist got a call from the gallery owner.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner said.
“Somebody just stopped by and asked if the value of your furniture would increase after your death. I said it would, and he bought the entire collection!”
“That’s wonderful! And the bad news?”
“It was your doctor…”
A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows.
He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls,
"Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"
The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."
The cowboy asks, "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"
"Well," says the guy, "the man always wears clothes made of brown paper.
Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks."
The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him for?"
"Rustling."
When the new guy showed up for work on his first morning, the old cabinetmaker told him his most important shop rule.
“Try not to drop anything,” he said. “At my age, I’m required to make at least one rude noise every time I bend over.”
Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his tablesaw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank.
ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.
Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.
Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When Larry tells him what happened Joe starts searching too.
Suddenly Joe pulls a bloody left ear from the sawdust, "Is this it Larry?", he asks.
Larry takes a look and then goes back to searching.
"Nah, mine had a pencil behind it."