A farmer answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company will be running a power line through his pasture.
The farmer said, "No!"
"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.
As the worker turned and left, walking back to his co-workers in the field, the farmer went to his barn and turned his bull loose into the pasture.
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the farmer shouted, "Show HIM your paper!"
A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store.
The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady is furious and storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she sees the same parrot in the window and the parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady storms into the pet store and threatens to sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager apologises and promises the bird won’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store the next day, the parrot said to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."
A park ranger is giving some hikers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your backpacks and give the bears time to get out of your way.
However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the hikers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger. “They’re full of small bells.”
THERE’S A BEAR AND A RABBIT, TAKING A SH*T IN THE WOODS.
THE BEAR TURNS TO THE RABBIT, LOOKS DOWN AND SAYS, “HEY RABBIT, DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE WITH SH*T STICKING TO YOUR FUR?”
THE RABBIT LOOKS UP AT THE BEAR AND SAYS, “NO”.
SO THE BEAR PICKS UP THE RABBIT AND WIPES HIS BUM WITH IT!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 000.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”