A little girl asked her mum, “How did the human race appear?”
Mum answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.”
The girl then asked her Dad the same question.
Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mum and said, “Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!” 🤣
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
A DRILL SERGEANT CHEWED OUT ONE OF HIS CADETS. THEN HE SMILED COYLY AND SAID, “I GUESS WHEN I DIE YOU’LL DANCE ON MY GRAVE.”
THE CADET SHOOK HIS HEAD. “NOT ME, SARGE. I PROMISED MYSELF THAT WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE ARMY, I’D NEVER STAND IN ANOTHER LINE.”
Two Martians are watching Earth from the safety of their spaceship.
“This is interesting,” says the first. “The biped species on this planet has developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”
“Are they an emerging intelligence?” asks the second alien.
“I don’t think so. They have them all pointed at themselves.”
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"
A teenage boy goes to a strip club.
Mum: “Did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?”
Teenage boy: “Yes, I saw dad!”
I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I had planned to enter.
Trusting my wife to help me out, I asked, “For the talent show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?”
Glancing up from her book, she said dryly, “What’s the difference?”
A MAN IS WALKING IN A GRAVEYARD WHEN HE HEARS THE THIRD SYMPHONY PLAYED BACKWARD. WHEN IT’S OVER, THE SECOND SYMPHONY STARTS PLAYING, ALSO BACKWARD, AND THEN THE FIRST.
“WHAT’S GOING ON?” HE ASKS A CEMETERY WORKER.
“IT’S BEETHOVEN,” SAYS THE WORKER. “HE’S DECOMPOSING.”