Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?
To cover their butt-quacks
Somebody broke into the pet store the other day.
Apparently, they stole all the dog accessories!
The police say they haven’t got any leads.
Just adopted a dog from the local blacksmith but as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
With great power comes great response ability.
“I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.”
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
When two vegetarians get into an argument, is it still called a beef?
"Do you wanna box for your leftovers?"
"No, but I'll wrestle you for them."
What do fish smoke to get high?
Sea weed.
What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?
Stationary.
“I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know...”
What's the best smelling insect?
A deodor-ant
Why did the vulture get kicked off the plane?
People kept complaining about his carrion luggage.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
"Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them."
“I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.”
My wife laughed at me when I told her I could make a car out of macaroni. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta!
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right!
I'd like to be a millionaire just like my dad … he always wanted to be a millionaire too.
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles
What does garlic do when it gets hot?
It takes its cloves off.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time.
“Spring is here! I got so excited I nearly wet my plants.”
The worst part about being a dad is when one of your kids farts
and you have to pretend it wasn't cool.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Mountains aren’t just funny, They’re hill areas.
“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something
that will make your life easier.”
So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.
"Dad, can you put the cat out?"
"I didn't know it was on fire.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
What’s the difference between snowmen and snow-women?
Snowballs.
