Armidale Men's Shed

A couple of cows were chatting in the field.

One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

A couple of not-so-bright woodworkers are framing a house.

Worker A notices worker B is wasting a lot of nails. He’ll pull one out of a bucket, hammer it in, pull out another and toss it, toss another, then hammer one in. And this goes on for a bit.

Worker A says to worker B, “hey, how come you keep tossing dem nails?”

Worker B responds, “they’re defective; they got da point on the wrong end!”

Worker A says, “you idiot, those are for the other side of the house!”

This bloke just came into my pub shouting "vodka, tequila, sambuca!"

I said "Oi! I call the shots Around here!"

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common?
The idea, “I will make it home.”

Ah, the modern days…I just saw a senior citizen help a teenager who was staring into his phone, to cross the street.

Patient: “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I can see in the future.”
Doctor: “When did it start?”
Patient: “Next Friday.”

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They have the same middle name.

You know you’re getting older when you have a party and the neighbours don’t realize it.

If my body were a car, I would trade it for a newer model.
Every time I cough, sputter, or sneeze, my radiant leaks and my exhaust backfires.

How can you increase the heart rate of your 70-year-old husband?
Tell him you’re pregnant.

When you’re 20 and you drop something, you pick it up.
When you’re 80 and you drop something, you decide you don’t need it anymore.

A businessman boarded an international flight and found a well-dressed young woman seated next to him wearing a large diamond ring. During the flight, he asked her about the ring.
“It is the Klopman diamond, but it comes with a terrible curse,” she said. “What’s the curse,” he asked.
She replied, “Mr. Klopman.”

I’m not hard of hearing…I’ve just heard enough!

One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.”

Two older gentlemen, Fred and Sam, went to see a movie. A few minutes into the movie, Sam heard Fred rustling around. It appeared that he was reaching under all of the seats.
“What on earth are you doing, Fred?” asked Sam.
Fred indignantly responded, “I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out. I’m trying to find it!”
Annoyed, Sam told him not to worry about it — they could get him another caramel later since that one was ruined by now.
“But I’ve got to,” said Fred, exasperated. “My teeth are in it!”

An older gentleman shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, rather painfully, onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split supreme.
The waitress smiled kindly at him, asking, “Crushed nuts?”
The older gentleman replied, “No…arthritis.”

An older man, living alone, decided he wanted to add a pet companion to his life. After thinking long and hard about the decision, he buys a parrot and brings it home. However, the parrot almost immediately starts insulting the older man and gets really rude.
In a moment of frustration, the man picks up the parrot and tosses it into the freezer to teach it a lesson.
But when the bird stops squawking, the man panics and opens the freezer. The parrot walks out, looks up at the man, and says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.”
The man replies, “Well, thank you. I forgive you, and I’m sorry too.”
The parrot then says, “If you don’t mind my asking…what’d the chicken do?”

Boy: “Wow, so many scars. You must have had an adventurous life!”

Old man: “No, I just have a cat.”

Prayer for Good Health for Seniors:
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

A bloke bumped into me on the train the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same bloke followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.

I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

My friend Rob hurt my feelings today. He told me that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath!

Girlfriend: "I'm sick and tired of you always pretending to be some big-time detective ace. I think we should split up."
Boyfriend: "Excellent idea. That way we can cover more ground."

A slightly frail, elderly gent gets on a crowded bus, every seat filled. A tough looking bloke with a lot of prison tattoos is resting his feet on the seat opposite him, keeping it from being used.

The elderly gent shuffles over, says 'excuse me' and pushes the tough bloke's legs off the seat.
Agitated, the tough bloke starts pointing to the prison tattoos on his face and says,
'You know what these mean, old man?'

The elderly gent nods knowingly. "Yep, means you got caught."

A bloke I work with says he's dating twins.

I asked him "How do you tell them apart?"

"That's easy," he says "Marie's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."

I saw a poster today. Somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I hadn’t.

I like to help where I can.

I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.

I tried one of those organic deodorant sticks.
It said in the instructions:
1. Remove the cap
2. Push thumb up the bottom part for application.

It’s difficult to sit but my farts smell very nice now.

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for cricket. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable.

A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s cricket in heaven!”
“Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Sunday.”

Recording on an Australian tax help line
If you understand English, press 1.
If you do not understand English, press 2.

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

And the bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.