A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement, saying she met someone else and asking for her photograph back.
The soldier went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”
A mother visited her son for dinner, whose roommate is a girl. During the meal, his mother noticed how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between them than met the eye.
Reading his mother’s thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother
I'm not saying that you DID take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you DID NOT take the silver plate … but the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner.
Love, your son
Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:
Dear Son
I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying you DO NOT sleep with your roommate. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow!
Love, Mum
A police officer called the station on his radio.
”I have a bit of a problem here. A lady has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just finished mopping.”
”Have you arrested the woman?”
”No way. The floor’s still wet!”
A mother and father read a bedtime story to their five-year-old son about a king with five wives.
As the story concludes, the son says, "Mum, I also want five wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me..."
Mum: "And one will put you to sleep!"
Son: "No mum, I will still sleep next to you."
Mum's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son."
Mum continues: "But who will sleep with your five wives?"
Son: "Let them sleep with daddy."
Daddy's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son."
Wife goes to a psychic to learn more about her husband.
The psychic asks her, "Do you want to know about your husband's future?"
Without hesitation, the wife responds. "I will decide his future, you just tell me about his past."
An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of marriage. "Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.
"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.
"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."
"Such as?"
"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy."
"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"
"I'm going back to visit her."
The next time your wife gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders like a cape and say,
”Now you’re SUPER ANGRY!”
Maybe she’ll laugh.
Maybe you’ll die.
A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors and written on them...
Door 1. Bride’s relatives
Door 2. Groom’s relatives
He entered the groom door and found two doors again.
Door 1. Ladies
Door 2. Men
He entered the men door and found two doors again.
1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts)........ and found himself back outside the hotel.